Equilibrium

Sometimes I think I'm more numb to emotions than most people are.

I've been asked if I've ever been angry, cos some people have never seen me so. It's something I learned when I was 13 or 14 I think. Once I was extremely angry at a friend, but instead of lashing out as usual, a thought managed to penetrate: I always regretted the action the next day, and always wished that I could take whatever I said and did back. So why not take the here and now as a pseudo-2nd-chance given to my future self, and rectify the situation?

And I found that my rage melts away after a day, and I was inevitably grateful that I didn't say the things that I might have. And so I've learned to always contain my anger, and never act on the impulses that come with it; to not trust my judgement until I've calmed down and can manage to analyse the situation with a calmer mind, and in the meantime force myself to be at least cordial with the person.

I usually believe that things will work out in the end; the protagonist of a story is more often than not triumphant in at the end of the book, and we are all the leads of our own stages aren't we? But I wonder if it's not the bubble surrounding everyone who's not faced true adversity, that buffers me from the pain of tragedy and giving up hope.

And I wonder because at rare times, I have plunged deeper into the valleys of despair, and it amazes me how sharp and alien it feels; the last time during my final year exams in Cambridge, when I truly thought that I had screwed them up, and along with them the dream of going abroad for a Ph.D.

One reason I love scenic places is that when travelling down the Norwegian fjords, or taking in the Atlantic Ocean while standing on a cliff in Wales, the sheer majesty of nature manages to wash away the pretences of society and force you to deal with the fact that you are a small person in a big world, with wonders far beyond your comprehension (it's easy to understand how a mountain forms, but when the 5cm picture turns into a one kilometre high mound of rock, the images in your mind seem pitifully inadequate) .

It's a disjointed entry...triggered when I wondered if people see me the same way I perceive them, that the landscape of emotions some friends seem to go through dip lower and rise higher more often...And also by the fact that I'm standing at a crossroads, dealing with difficult admin issues which may prove to divert my life one way or the other, running through the gamut of emotions...And emotions then show that you're alive, making you feel more solid than a two-dimensional character on a two-dimensional piece of paper...

Two more months...and I might be off and away...